i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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