Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
