Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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