Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
