can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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