i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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