Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
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