have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
