Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Randomize
