I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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