please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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