I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
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theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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