I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
