I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
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