I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
