how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I need a burrito and a hug.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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