I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
