I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
