omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I hate all girls vehemently.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
