So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
