I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
