Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
So vagazzling was a success
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
