Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
