I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
