Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
