Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
