The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
