Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
