just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
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