This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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