you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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