Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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