Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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