apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
