She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
