A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
It's never too late to be topless.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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