I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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