Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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