I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
