so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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