How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
