We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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