I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
4 words: hood of his car
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
It's official drugs can't kill me
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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