Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
