It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
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I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
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I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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