I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
