She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
