I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
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I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
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i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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