he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
