Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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