Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Everyone says I win the strip club
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
