There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
