did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
