I just saw a hot homeless man
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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