my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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