peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
