I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
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After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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