Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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