I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
